state of emergency

I feel like ultimately it, it all comes down to them wanting to control women. But if they care so much about life, why don’t they protect the kids against these mass shootings? They care so much about unborn babies but anybody can walk into a school with a gun. It also has a lot to do with religious indoctrination. They say it’s supposed to be a separation of church and state. It’s clearly not. They’re imposing their religious beliefs upon everybody. And this is my thing, love the Lord. Praise him. But he don’t have no business in my coochie. And then when I do have this baby, is the Lord gonna help pay my bills or for all of this stuff? He’s not. Blessings be damned. But please, let’s be realistic about it. Through my organisation I try and make people understand that voting is one of our most helpful tools. Not just at the presidential elections because local elections really have an impact as well. If our senators and state councilmen make the proper decisions, then the President has no choice. Bitch! Stop voting in in the best interest of your husband, your raggedy-ass husband, and vote in the best interest of you, your children, your uterus. Wake up!

We have four kids and because of the abortion ban we can’t be intimate the way we want. Not till he gets a vasectomy. I’m so afraid to be intimate, it’s almost paralysing.

If I had the opportunity to change anything I did, do you know what I would say? I would say nothing, because that’s my trial and error. That’s what builds my character – the situations and the understanding gained through my own life experiences. Everyone wants to be understanding but without going through situations themselves, there’s no true understanding. When something is truly understood, you must have lived it. We need to be more neutral. You know, instead of finding something in common, instead of trying to figure out how we want to see eye to eye. Sometimes it’s best not to. If you’ve been there, done it, that’s what makes me feel emotional. We’re all playing the game of Monopoly. We win some, we lose some. We get stuck here and there. But at the end of the game, we have to throw everything back in the box. This is what we came to this earth for – to put everything we gained right back in the box, except for what we learned from it. We keep that with us.

I was dating this boy when I was 24. I got unexpectedly pregnant, and was going to get an abortion. It wasn’t the right time: we were not financially stable, I had just finished college. My sister got pregnant when she was 16, and had kept the baby. I ended up going to one of those fake clinics run by the church that do free pregnancy tests and try to influence you. It’s basically a scam. They held the results hostage until they “got to know me”. They sent me home with a packet of propaganda. They said it had worked out for my sister – who now has four amazing kids. I ran out of there, thinking I could do it. It was deeply disturbing. But I knew if I had that abortion I’d be able to go to grad school and ultimately be a better parent, which I appreciate now. The media want us to believe abortion is right or wrong, it’s very extreme. On the day-to-day level, it’s people’s lives. I used to do abortion funding out of El Paso. A lot of the people who would call us looking to help pay for abortions were parents; they knew what it cost to have a child. I feel like abortions are one of the few things that have allowed people to progress with their careers and education. People don’t know my life and I don’t know theirs, and I just wouldn’t tell anyone what to do with their body.

I got pregnant with an on-and-off boyfriend, not really planned, a moment of stupidity. it was a toxic relationship. Big, big regrets, yeah. I remember I was in this apartment, it was my birthday, and at the time I wanted to keep the baby, and my friends were crying to me, begging me not to, and I didn’t know what to do. My hormones were making me insane. I was crying every single day at work and throwing up. The morning sickness was so, so bad. People don’t really talk about the hormones and how much it effects the body. Big reason why I ended up getting the abortion, the physical and mental stress was too much, it was the lowest point in my entire life. I talked to my gynaecologist. They give you the rundown – you can take the medication, like the pill, or you can have the procedure. They told me I was early enough that the procedure would be fine and it wouldn’t be that intense, which was, like, literally fucking bullshit. They just didn’t go as in-depth as they should have. The place was for families, all along the walls are little baby cards. I’m sitting in the waiting room with all these mothers-to-be and their husbands, and I’m like, fuck my entire life. Then I go in and tell her I don’t feel the medication at all. She doesn’t care. They should tell people to go Planned Parenthood, who are better equipped to do that procedure. They didn’t put me under, and I proceeded to scream bloody murder. It was the most painful experience in my entire life. I’m screaming, they didn’t let the boyfriend in – which at that time I would have wanted, I don’t know, to hold my hand or something. They gave me the option to put an IUD in within the same procedure. So I said yes, because I never wanted to be pregnant again. Excruciatingly painful! Like, do y’all hate women? I think you hate us, and want us to feel excruciating pain. And no one comes to check on me, to the point where I eventually put my clothes back on and just walk out. No proper information about the IUD. They didn’t tell me I was going to be bleeding for months and months, almost a year. I still have the IUD even though now I’m a lesbian. Crazy how life works out.

I’m somewhere between pro-choice and pro-life. I don’t like the idea of killing anything, especially if you do it out of stupidity. People should have more self-control, respect for their own bodies. Don’t be silly and drunk and high and get pregnant because you forgot to take your birth control pill. Don’t be a lazy ass. So many people use abortion like it was birth control. But then I think it’s between a woman, her family, her God, her body. It’s private. Live and let live! You don’t have time to take care of other people’s personal problems. You have your own life to take care of.

I’m old-school. So I prefer to keep it that way.

Abortion seems to me to be an answer for a society that doesn’t want to face consequences for their chosen actions, for 99 percent of the cases. Killing an unborn child is not a good outcome for people who don’t want to take responsibility for their actions. It’s just a core belief that I have, that life matters even in the womb. Scientifically, life in the womb begins at fertilisation. There are science studies now that show that babies in the womb can feel pain, perhaps even as early as 15/20 weeks. Abortion is not healthcare. The only exception that we advocate for is if the life of the mother is in danger. I know verses that point to what I believe God says on the issue: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

I wasn’t aware that there wasn’t free choice in the United States. I was under the impression it’s free choice here. I don’t have any opinion either way as its a personal choice. I do think that the men should have a voice in the matter though, and there should be better contraception options for men. if somebody doesn’t want those kids…You might have a woman who wants an abortion, but if there’s a man who wants to keep the baby.. it’s not just her choice. I’d rather see the baby go to a willing father than be eliminated.

Two years ago I found out I was pregnant. At our 20-week scan, we found out that our daughter was diagnosed with anencephaly, meaning her skull and brain would never fully develop, and that she would die in my womb or as soon as I gave birth. It was rough. With the abortion ban, I was forced to go on with my pregnancy. Every day I felt her kick and move. I still had to go to the doctors, get groceries, have people ask about the baby, and rub my belly, ask me what I would name her; all of the mental things that go along with being pregnant. I couldn’t go into the office. Every day was tough and physically exhausting. When I gave birth to my daughter, I watched her change colours. Her eyes cried a tear of blood. I gave her to my husband and she died in his arms. Then they asked if they wanted me to resuscitate her, it was mind-blowing. A lot of people bash us because of how we feel; but if you think about it in a different way, I’d have the right to remove my child from life support if she needed it. I had to shut my emotions down. The baby started gasping for air. The doctor came, they gave the baby morphine – they told me she wasn’t in pain, so it didn’t make sense to give the baby morphine. I don’t care what anyone says, my daughter suffered. She couldn’t breathe. Abortion is healthcare.

The initial feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant was joy. I was shocked by my own response, but I guess it made sense at the time. I was so happy in my life and in my relationship. And then came the sense of horror. This was an unplanned pregnancy, and I was in no way ready to raise a child. My boyfriend was supportive, yet I don’t think either of us was prepared for the reality. I called Planned Parenthood to schedule an appointment for an abortion. I would have to wait two weeks. My boyfriend was about to leave town, and I knew I didn’t want to go through this experience alone. Instead, I found a service online that mailed me the abortion pill overnight so I could be safe and comfortable at home and get through it privately. I believed that this was routine and I’d bounce back quickly.

I was never told you could end up bleeding for more than a month, as I did, or that for days after the pain could be so intense you think you might pass out. I was never told the hormonal shift in your body is abrupt and dramatic, leaving me feeling unbelievably depressed, disassociated and isolated. And then came the deepest grief I have ever experienced, that knocked me down like a wave. How could I be grieving something I chose not to have? I’ve never felt more alone.

I wish I had heard more stories like mine. No part of me regrets having an abortion, but I needed much more connection in the aftermath than I expected, support that’s not available when we’re constantly told we can either feel gratitude or shame for having autonomy over our bodies. What I have struggled with the most is that the extremely divisive public conversation currently taking place leaves no room for the very real and nuanced experience of women who are potentially making the hardest decision of their lives.

When I was 19, I met a girl, and I understood we were using birth control until she got pregnant. We had just met so she went to Austin to get an abortion. She encountered these protesters at the clinic. She had a religious background and the situation was traumatic and she couldn’t go through with it. We now have a child together. Obviously, as a man, I don’t have a say in the matter. As a wildlife scientist, I can tell you animals like pronghorn antelope and cattle have natural abortions and it’s real common. For example, if there is a drought and the mother is not healthy enough to produce, her body will naturally abort. It’s not dissimilar from humans that aren’t in a financial position to support another life.

From my late teenage years I knew I wanted to become a mother by way of adoption. Despite my resolve and multiple appointments, no doctor would agree to perform a tubal ligation on me. They all told me I was too young and that I would change my mind in the future. They just didn’t trust my own choices. At 21, despite being on birth control, I ended up being pregnant. Thankfully I managed to get the pill quickly at a Planned Parenthood back in Houston. I remember being so frustrated that despite my determination to get the surgery done for years, I had to endure that process. I was 26 when I managed to find a gynaecologist who would agree to perform the surgery, solely as a favour to my mom, who’s a nurse. It’s crazy to think no one would believe that a woman doesn’t want to have kids, period. You have to be like an oven. It’s insane to witness politicians threatening to take away access to birth control or abortion when this simple option is off the table.

 Casting director: Natalie Lin at In Search Of. Casting assistant: Sara Lee. Styling assistant: Juliette Dumazy